Quarantine Day 31: I don't know how I should feel

I feel very confused today. No matter how I fill my days I feel like time is still just running out of my hands. I can’t help but panic on knowing how many days are passing by.

Being isolated is a very strange thing. Everything that makes us a human is our feelings, our environment, our relationships and our routine. Right now I can say that I almost have none. I am infinitely grateful to be with my husband, we do try to continue a small world within our four walls but even as a cognitive scientist, always working with the human brain, I struggle to keep my mental health on track lately.

Today I feel a bit weird also because I started questioning myself whether I am too “not-worried” looking given the current situation. In most of my conversations and my blogs I try to use a little bit of humour. I get really good feedbacks from friends and family who are also in isolation, and it makes me happy knowing I managed to put a smile on your face. Today isn’t one of those days, today I feel almost guilty for using humour sometimes because I also notice I can be misunderstood. Dear reader, I hope you don’t misunderstand my humour in a serious situation like this because my humour is all I have right now, it is the only thing that keeps me going in my day. The small memes, the funny gifs and joking around with friends. If I don’t have that in my life, all I see will be death. Every single day I will be thinking about the death, seeing the death, and seeing no near future happiness in my life. I don’t want to be like that because I know it will drag me to depression.

I moved to Italy following a dream and I stayed in Italy chasing a fairy tale. In every Disney movie there is a scene where the fairy tale takes a dark turn and the main character goes through different challenges to find their inner strength, and that’s what I feel like I am going through right now.

We are still planning for our new house, and our friends weddings. Because we all live with the hope that life is going to continue soon, so soon that we will all forget about these times. We must never lose hope, we must never lose our smile, this is the only thing that will take us through.

Goodnight x